xx
When all the doubts are crystal clear
Crashing hard into the secret wind

The small statuesque figure of Esme sat quietly perched beneath one of the many trees of Forks forest. A slight figure surrounded by absolute green quite uncaring that the ground was damp beneath her crossed legs or the bark of the tree soaking the back of her shirt as she lent heavily against it. The rain had stopped for a small brief moments and if it began Esme could truly not say she cared. She didn’t feel the cold any longer infact it was rather pleasurable to sit out her much like she had done on her fathers farm when she was a little girl, merely enjoying the beauty of the world and the smells surrounding her. Esme had always been a deep thinker, happily sitting back and entering some place in the back of her mind that was sealed off. Able to close her eyes when she had finished any chores and her muse abandoned her or she grew frustrated at the latest antique she was repairing, able to close her eyes and enter a relaxed state almost alike sleep alone with her own thoughts. Such a day had reached her and she had decided to take a walk, promptly finding herself in the green of the Fork’s forests, alike a enchanted fairytale where sprites and fairies would pop out at any moment, losing herself in thought.

She couldn’t quite remember how she had reached the top of the cliff. How her shaking legs could have managed to drag herself from the hospital bed, managed to support her while she lent against the white walls pulling a thick white dressing robe over the flimsy material of the hospital nightgown. She could only vaguely remember lying to the nurse who had questioned where she was going without any real interest. Somehow she had managed to bring her tiny frame to the top of the large cliff which when of sound mind she probably wouldn’t have attempted to climb, it was a steep and ragged road consumed with jutting rocks and slippery mud. Yet somehow with her bare feet in that strange dazed state she had managed it.

She stood dangerously close to the edge, salt air running through the long caramel curls neither a definite blonde nor a definite brunette just a blend of the two, plain and dull just as she had always been. Her bright blue eyes surveyed her surroundings silently. The sun had long since set leaving the sea as black as the dark velvet of the sky perhaps if she angled it just right, if she waited for the wind behind her she could just make it to the sea before hitting the beach – that would save any poor soul having to deal with the mess she would leave behind.

It seemed perfectly logical really. How could anything so logical be classed as a ‘sin’ surely she would be doing the world a favour. She had abandoned her husband, disobeyed her parents, her vows if she had just stayed… instead of running filling her body with as much stress as possible then her little boy might still be here, she could be in a warm bed now with her boy nestled to her breast, a life she had granted, something good to actually come from her. Even now she was breaking every law, every devout idea of ‘sins’ and ‘heaven’ that had been bred into her.

She had always thought death would be more glamorous that she would vanish from the world in a flurry of emotion with something to leave behind. It had been a foolish teenage thought, for really how could a simple farmers daughter ever receive such glamour. There was nothing glamorous to this, the lacing of her fingers against her chest, the uncertainty as to whether she felt the freezing air against her skin or whether she was to numb to feel anything at all. She wouldn’t be missed. The nurses might have some trouble when they noticed she was gone, Charles… he would learn to feed himself, he would get himself a proper wife, her parents would never miss such a disgrace – a daughter who couldn’t even keep her vows, who murdered her own child.

She had been so sure, after those hours of agony, for just a second she had been so sure everything was finally at rights, that she could hold the child she had always longed for, that they would finally be safe. The panicked faces of the nurses had soon assured her this wouldn’t be. She hadn’t even been allowed to hold him, merely forced to watch as he struggled and gasped in his cot for three days stroking his tiny little hand until it was cold beneath hers, until he finally gave up trying.
She had presumed she would cry in such situations. She had imagined she would lay in a bed curled into a ball and sob hysterically until she was empty. She hadn’t been able to cry, she hadn’t truly been able to feel anything no matter how hard she tried to force herself. What monster buried their child and could not cry at the funeral. She didn’t understand even when a nurse tried to explain that people behaved in different manners, that something within her mind was only trying to protect her from doing something as stupid as this, from consuming herself so completely with grief. They hadn’t expected her to sit cramming her grief and guilt into a tiny little bottle somewhere in the depths of her mind only for it to break in a form far worse then tears.

She didn’t deserve redemption; she didn’t deserve any of the salvation and ease the nurses had promised. She had spent her life sinning, disobeying her parents, her husband, her vows, making the most foolish of choices, destroying her own child. What better way to end her life then with another sin, for her to leave without making the tiniest marks on the earth.

How easy it was to just, step off and fall.

Her eyes flickered open finally finding the most covered trees and damp grass opposite her. She couldn’t imagine how pointless it all would have been if Carlisle had not found her. She had willingly taken her own life only to be granted with something so much better. A man who she truly loved and who truly loved her, a family although none blood related they were all as close as any son or daughter could be. Still there were odd moments when she found herself her mind would wonder, back to the angelic face of a tiny little boy, a tiny youth that been just as much a part of her as she was of him. Even after decades now and again the thoughts would catch her alike a harsh blow to the stomach, and yet… yes with them came that age old sadness and remorse but less now, now she had so much. A family she had never been able to imagine, people she loved for so dearly, a fine husband, a beautiful house for the rest of eternity. And moments alike this where she could quite happily sit and think and not care how strange any onlooker would think her or the productive things she could have done with her time. She had all eternity to do chores and worries and more then enough time to merely sit, quite a peace with the life surrounding her in her own thoughts, gazing around with a small smile upon her features. Forks was truly beautiful, how she would miss it when they had to leave.